Dilemmas
Michelle's Column in the Fullerton Observer

Dear Dr. Michelle,

Congratulations on the very convincing replies I had read on your page to desperate souls.

I myself need your advice as to what concerns a turmoil I'm bearing these days.

I'm 48 years old, I have been chatting with a guy online for about one year. He's married with 3 kids but he said they're like separated since their intimate life isn't that passionate. We met twice as we're from different countries and cultures. I loved him the first time I met him, although I never thought of falling in love with him, as I never agreed to get engaged in such a difficult situation as his. He himself didn't have the idea for any commitment but to my surprise, he also fell in love with me.

Now we feel we're really meant to live together. I can't be far from him and he made up his mind to divorce his wife. I have several minds whether it is the best option for me to marry him? Is it just lust between us though he keeps in calling me, texting me and chatting with me? Am I doing harm to his wife and children? My guy also finds it very difficult to break the news to his wife, how could I help him getting that divorce and how could I help in making consequences less harsh for his wife and children? I myself will move to his country, leaving my job here, family and eventually my country.

Please do help me get out of this big dilemma.

I'd very much appreciate receiving an answer.

Thanking you in advance.

What to do.

 

Dear What to do,

 

You do have a serious dilemma. Just to back track for a minute. If you feel that it is problematic to get involved with married men, the moment you find out the guy is married stop the relationship before it progresses any further. Otherwise, you will continue to find yourself in these dilemmas.

 

If you find that the man that you are involved in continues to drag his feet, it may be that he is not as invested in this relationship as you thought he was. Listen to his actions as well as his words.

 

Remember, too, if the divorce does happen, you may find that you will have a difficult time forming a relationship with his children. They may be very angry with you for breaking up their parents' marriage, which is how they will see it. Another thing to keep in mind that this is man whom, while married, is trolling the Internet. How good is he at commitment and communicating? I am guessing that if he were good at it, he wouldn't have been out there in the first place.

 

There are a number of red flags here. Please stop and give yourself time before you give up your family, job and country.

 

Be very sure to take care of yourself,

 

Dr. Michelle

 

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Dear Dr. Michelle,
 
I am a 36 year old. I have been married and divorced. We had no children. I find myself feeling like my time to have children is running out. I am afraid I won't find anyone. I am considering having a child by myself.  I have two cousins that have both decided on that route and they are very happy as single mothers. I really would prefer a real relationship and then a baby, but what if my time runs out before I meet the right person? Should I keep on hoping and waiting or should I give up and have a baby before my time runs out?
 
Running Out of Time
 
Dear Running,
 
Unfortunately, this is a very real dilemma for many people. You do have a serious time constraint. Your biological clock is ticking very loudly now and will only continue to get louder. One of the first things that would be helpful is to talk to your cousins and ask them to honestly tell you what their lives are like, the positive and negatives. Believe me, there are both. Put into the equation that it is harder to get in a relationship if you are a single parent. Ask yourself, what will you miss more, not having a child or not having a conventional life? The only right answer is the one that is right for you. Make sure that you have a lot of support. You will need it, both emotionally and to help raise this child. You might want to see if you have a male in your life, maybe your father or brother, who can be the male role model for this child. Look at the financial costs that are involved in raising children. Kids are not cheap! Make sure that you can afford a child.Look at the career costs. Your career will never be the same.
 
If after looking at all of this, you can say that having a child as  a single parent is the right thing for you, than go for it. If it is not, accept that as well.
 
Good luck,
 
Dr. Michelle