December 2002

The other day, I began to work with a couple who were having problems in their relationship. She was complaining that he wasn’t listening; he was complaining that she wasn’t listening. As I sat and watched and listened, one thing became perfectly clear: this couple had fallen into a classic marital problem.

Women and men are very different in so many ways, even to how we communicate. Women love to process. We can talk about a problem until there is nothing left to talk about and then start all over again. By the time we are finished, we understand every aspect of a problem. Men problem-solve. Men hear a problem and come up with a solution. Therein lies the issue for this couple.

The wife wanted to talk with her husband about the problems she was having at work. She didn’t need him to solve her problem, just hear her and let her vent. That would make her feel loved. The husband, because he loved his wife, wanted to make his wife’s life easier by giving her a handy way to deal with the issues that she was facing.

The wife didn’t feel heard. The husband didn’t feel heard. Neither felt loved or appreciated. Now, what both have to offer is very important. If all we did was process, we would never get anything done. If we problem-solved, without venting and processing, we would not be dealing with our emotions, which is a very unhealthy way to live.

So, after some therapy, they both learned to appreciate what the other was offering. The wife vented and then the husband helped her problem-solved. Both felt heard, loved and appreciated. It can take some work, but hear your partner and appreciate that person. You both are offering valuable things to the relationship.