December 2002

In every relationship, we have made contracts. Some are spoken: “I promise to love, honor and respect you”. Some are unspoken: “I, as the man, will provide more money for this family than my partner.” Now, obviously, the more that we put those unspoken contracts into words, the better the relationship will be. This way we have an opportunity to discuss those expectations, agree, disagree and, eventually, form a compromise.

However, what typically happens is that no one is aware of all of those unspoken rules and, therefore they are not discussed. They do, however, impact the health of the marriage. There may be an unspoken rule that the wife is the one who is the primary caretaker of the children. What happens when she gets sick? The husband may not pitch in with the children because it is not his job. Resentment can build and a fight may break out. Or, as I said above, the man may have the rule that he must make more money that his partner. What would they do if she begins to make more money? He may feel like a failure. His negative feelings will put a strain on the marriage.

It is vitally important that every time you begin to feel uncomfortable in your relationship, you talk with your partner. It may be one of those unspoken contracts popping up. Of course, the biggest discomfort may be when you have had an unspoken contract that both have agreed on, but one of the partners is no longer comfortable with it. Then is really needs to be taken out and discussed.

When you sit with your partner and have a loving, honest dialog regarding these issues, your relationship can bloom and grow to an even deeper level. It may be scary to have these talks, but it can help you both tremendously. Take a risk for your relationship. And enjoy the journey.