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Michelle Gottlieb Psy.D., MFT, LPCC
Individual, Couple and Family Therapy
Resolving issues from your past that block your future

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What Is My Right Choice?

May 2002

 

Dear Michelle,

 

I don’t know what else to do so if you have any advice it would be great. Thank you.

 

I have been in a relationship for almost nine years with a wonderful man. We have been living together in our own apartment for a year. I thought that when we made this move together it would lead our relationship to marriage. But he just can’t get there. All my friends are getting married and I am feeling more and more hurt by this. I don’t understand how my friends have met people and in a matter of months, certainly not 9 years, found the person they feel they can marry. We talked about it last night and cried but his question is how can he commit to another person by getting married when he doesn’t know who he is? I love him so much and he loves me but is it time for us to go our separate ways so we can discover who we are as individuals or are we throwing away any chance of a future together by doing so? This is going to be so hard if we separate. I just don’t know how to tell if we are making a bigger mistake by saying goodbye to our relationship as it currently exists.

 

Lost and Hurting

 

Dear Lost and Hurting,

 

This kind of decision is very difficult. I often wish for a crystal ball so that I can check out my different choices prior to making them. It sounds like you two have a lot more talking and exploring to do, both as a couple and as individuals. If you have a time limit that you mean, you might let him know. For instance, you need to be married and having babies by the time you are thirty. But only state that if it is a true deadline. You need to look at if this man who cannot make a commitment is the right one for you. You might want to explore couples counseling in order to investigate these issues in a way that ensures healthy communication. The most important thing that I can say is to listen to your gut. It will tell you what to do and it is always right. Good luck,

 

Michelle Gottlieb

 

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