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Michelle Gottlieb Psy.D., MFT, LPCC
Individual, Couple and Family Therapy
Resolving issues from your past that block your future

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What is Wrong With Me?

October 2006

Dear Dr. Michelle,

I met a man that I thought was really in to me. We both flirted with each other and made each other laugh (he said that he loved the fact that I make him laugh). I was really interested in dating this person because he has an awesome personality, and he is cute, too. He came by the job as usual to drop off packages and we were talking and flirting really heavy. We begin to ask each other questions. He answered mine, then it was my turn. He asked me my age, after I said that I was not in my thirties which he is. I am in my early 40’s (people tell me that I look like I am in my late 20’s or early 30’s). Anyway, I revealed that I had never dated, never had a boyfriend and that I was a virgin. He was quite surprised to say the least, but after that day his actions toward me changed. He intentionally avoided me by sending someone else to handle his route, then when he returned, he barely spoke to me. Did I do or say something wrong? I try to act as if it does not bother me, but I feel “ugly”, that maybe I was just not good enough. I am no Halle Berry, but I can turn heads. I felt that we were connecting. It really hurts that he rejected me. I don’t want to talk to him about it because in reality no relationship had even started. So why can’t I shake him? And if he is “just not into me” then why is that bothering me so much? Tell me something, please!

Wondering why

Dear Why,

Many people, especially some men, are uncomfortable with someone over the age of about 20 who is a virgin. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just haven’t had sex yet. That is not a crime. In fact, there are many people who would say that you should be celebrated. This man may have been concerned that you were wanting a committed relationship (i.e.: marriage) and got scared off. It is also not a crime to want a committed relationship. Again, perhaps this is something to be celebrated. So, if this man is someone who cannot handle commitment or a woman who has chosen to wait to have sex, he is not the man for you. It sounds like you may have avoided a large problem.

On the other hand, you may have connected with him on a deeper level than you have with other men. The good news is that if you could do it with him, then you can do it with someone else. If this is the first time that you have felt that connection with a man, you might want to explore why that is for you. You might to look at yourself and see if you have been avoiding intimacy.

Focus on enjoying the journey!

Dr. Michelle

 

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